10 Reasons to Live Alone
1. There is no fighting over the warm side of the bed if someone forgot to switch on their half of the electric blanket.
2. You are never home late.
3. You can walk around naked and scratch yourself all day without fear of recrimination.
4. This goes for farting as well.
5. Ditto wearing the tracksuit pants that may blow right off you if you wore them outside on a breezy day.
6. No rationale is required to explain why you are watching The Sound of Music again for the 53rd time and worse, still striving to hit the high note in
Climb Every Mountain. You know who you are.
7. Never have to sit through any kind of sport on television or listen to an angry fan's lifetime of disappointment at their team channelled into one game.
8. There is no such thing as ugly or uncool dancing.
9. You can eat the condensed milk straight out of the tube without disapproving faces at how fat you are going to get.
(Fat handbags are not pretty.) and ...
10. ....The toilet never smells.
It's Life But Not As We Know It
Having often obsessed about how to derive an income from watching
Spooks,
Scrubs and
Buffy, I kneel down to
Dyjoymi Baker.
Ms Baker has just completed a PhD in the mythologies of
Star Trek...and watched every epsiode from the original 1960s Star Trek to Star Trek: Enterprise. No mean feat considering she clocked in 700 hours of couchtime to achieve this.
Any ideas on employment opportunities for people who can recite The Sound of Music word for word? And no jokes about "oh Maria what is it you can't face?" please. Oh the sacrilege.
An Exciting Opportunity Awaits You....
Have you noticed how some job ads omit to mention the employer?
Why don't they just cut out to the chase and disclose who they are?
It's not dissimilar to when real estate agents leave out important details like the asking price for property. The pyschology of "oh well I have driven all the way over here so I may as well buy it even though it's double my budget" doesn't fly.
It makes me suspicious when companies shy away from disclosing who they are - is their reputation so bad it would put off people even phoning to enquire about the role? And hiding their identity would cause people to change their mind later?
Just be honest about who you are...people will work out at some point if you are a tobacco giant, are located in the middle of nowhere or pay below market rates.
Thank You For Smoking
Despise Big Tobacco?
Detest corporate bullshit and spin?
You may just switch sides once you see
Thank You For Smoking. In a year littered with dross such as Pirates of the Caribbean II, this is the best film I have seen so far.
The much-maligned art of spin is a craft...a rare skill to be admired.
Aaron Eckhart (
Possession) plays Nick Naylor, a Big Tobacco lobbyist. Naylor is charged with putting out the flames of bad publicity for his Big Tobacco employer. This ranges from stopping a bill that mandates anti-smoking messages on cigarette packets to silencing a Big Tobacco plaintiff.
Eckhart's Naylor charms the pants off the audience in his quest to thwart the do-gooders by masterfully turning their arguments against themselves. His posse of peers in dispensing spin are wittily played by Maria Bello and David Koechner who represent the MOD squad - the Merchants of Death. William H Macy, Sam Elliot, Adam Brody (yes the twerp from The OC is surprisingly palatable) and Rob Lowe (has someone been to the plastic surgeon?) round off a talented cast who deliver a delicious glimpse at the PR underbelly.
Except for Katie Holmes...well no wonder she struck the deal with Tom Cruise to have this child. Dawson's Creek may well have been her peak.
Alarmed But Not Really Alert
Although globally we are on alert for terrorist activity to the point of paranoia, airports still have a way to go in improving security.
Check out
The Chaser (best Australian comedy around) flaunting the gaps.
If you have nothing nice to say...
What do you write in a farewell card for someone you dislike?
(By
dislike, I mean that if this person were on fire, I would very likely walk the other way. Now if I actually
hated this person, I would sit down and watch.)
My mother says "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all."
I may just have to leave this card blank.
FBB to BBF
Memo fresh from Corporate Land...
"Fewer Bigger Better" has lost its mojo.
Fewer has been replaced. Now it's all about Bigger Better
Faster.
Righto. Is this because they weren't grinding the employees hard enough before?
Translation: "We'll just throw more things into the market without thinking them through and hope they stick because developing a vision and strategy is too hard."
Something about a monkey and a typewriter....?
Yawn
Dear
Buchanan Group,
Re: Zoot Review, Medifacts and BrandpowerThe horse has been flogged into the ground. Bored already.
Selling out?
Why do I feel uneasy when I see Australian of the Year Fiona Wood
plugging Nurofen on Zoot Review?
Why do I feel like she has sold out?
On the face of it, it makes sense. Fiona Wood is by far a more credible source of medical information that Andrew Daddo and Karina Brown plugging Panadol for children.
Fiona Wood also enjoys a car sponsorship which caused a few waves when announced.
I don't flinch when I hear of sportspeople or C list celebrities endorsing unrelated products (who hasn't cringed on hearing Ian "Phully Sick" Thorpe flogging
cereal?)
Fiona Wood has worked hard and why shouldn't she also partake in the sponsorship banquet like less deserving souls (surviving two rounds of Big Brother is not exactly contributing to world peace or saving lives).
We put our medical workforce on a pedestal and expect them to not gain commercially from their hard work. (Just hark back to the drama every time Medicare puts up its consultation charges - dear me, the medical profession should be doing this for free after (minimum) 10 years' study, you can hear the masses thinking.)
If only we had as much reverence for scholarship as for accurately kicking a leather ball between two sticks.
Thank you to the US of A
The United States of America has been the leading light of civilisation in the twentieth century. However the sheen is starting to come off the American Dream through factors not limited to:
- attacks from enemy groups who cannot be silenced by dropping a couple of hydrogen bombs
- a string of military failures (surely by now they are running out of money and places to invade)
- insular, hypocritical and short-sighted foreign policy ("we have guns" doesn't really cut it anymore)
- folks back at home eating themselves to death
- Middle America losing their jobs to overseas slaves (ironic considering they used to import them to build their wealth).
As we farewell American global dominance into the sunset, I have prepared an obituary for this once grand and over-reaching empire. So to which gifts can we offer thanks to the United States of America?
1. Shortening our life spans
From Coca Cola to Oreo, Big Macs to Krispy Kreme - these have produced a generation of children who are not well acquainted with fruit and vegetables. The answer is not Weight Watchers, food combining or some funky exercise machine advertised at 2 am. There is no trick - just stop putting so much in your mouth and move more.
Could people be over-eating because they are malnourished? They over-consume kilojoule-dense, nutrition-free foods but keep on eating because their bodies are crying out for nutrients.
2. Re-igniting religious crusades
Who would have thought in the age when we can communicate with anyone from just about anywhere in the world that religious wars would still be continuing? We have the means to communicate but are too fearful of differences to do this. Why is it anyone else's business who you worship?
It would be refreshingly honest if Condoleeza Rice would just admit the USA is simply protecting its business interests in the oil-rich areas. Forget the installing democracy bullshit - that isn't fooling anyone. Who inducted them as the World Police?
There is plenty to be fixed in their own backyard before meddling in other people's -see the thin veneer of civility crumble during Hurricane Katrina.
3. Corporate wank
In this age of self-promotion ruling over substance, no wonder the traditional blue-chip companies are starting to falter. Endless rounds of management consultants with theories more fantastic than the last cannot hide the fact that over-paid and under-delivering fat cat CEOs will one day soon have to account for their massive salaries.
The serfs are starting to revolt ... they aren't seeing the fruits of loyalty to organisations who view them as "human resources". Alarm bells should have started ringing when the name Personnel was replaced by Human
Resources.Someone needs to point out that the world will not end if people consumed less this year than they did last year. It may just prolong our existence on this planet.
4. Reality TV shows
American Idol highlights how its populace can be riveted by deluded contestants' histrionics and over-wrought warbling. Why would anyone EVER agree to appear on Jerry Springer - you must know straightaway the news can't be good? Is Paris Hilton that vapid? (I am disturbed that I am even asking these questions.)
Contrived "reality" situations have intensified our navel gazing, whilst ignoring bigger issues such as the environment rebelling and spewing back our centuries of abuse, half the world living on less than two American dollars a day and why
women do two-thirds of the world's work, receive 10 percent of the world's income and own 1 percent of the means of production.
5. Sweating the small stuff
It's a shrewd move to keep the electorate ignorant so they can keep feeding them propaganda about how it's the fault of other states they are under terrorist threat, instead of asking the hard questions of why the USA is vilified on the world stage. There was more outrage about Janet Jackson flashing a breast than about Iraqi civilians killed in the quest to smoke out Saddam Hussein and find non-existent weapons of mass destruction.
The American Religious Right is more concerned about stamping out homosexuality than practising the values of "Love thy neighbour". The rise of religious fundamentalism is not confined to the Middle East.
So thank YOU, the United States of America...it's been an interesting ride.
By the Nose of my Skin
Had to snigger when I overheard a dame today exclaim over how an insult was "no skin off her teeth".
Very
Kath & Kim-esque. And yes, she is a bogan with aspirations much higher.
Do the people
Kath & Kim poke fun at realise they are the target? Do they see their idiosyncracies and affectations reflected? Or do they pity these "other" people?
Signed,
Comfortably Smug I Am Not of the Great Unwashed.
Retail Snobbery
Why do shop assistants (usually female) in expensive stores think they are better people than their customers?
The premise of retailing is that a store has merchandise for sale. People come in and buy things - if they want it and usually if they are treated nicely. This treatment of prospective buyers is called "customer service", not "oh you are soooo privileged to be within these four walls".
We're all familiar with the quick sweeping glance as you enter these expensive stores where these women quickly assign you to one of three categories:
Worth Fawning Over,
Has Money But No Idea How to Spend It and
You Are Wasting My Time.
Here are some experiences to look forward to depending on which category you fall into:
Worth Fawning OverNote the endless gushing compliments and insincere attentions to your idiosyncrasies in vacuous hope you will assist them in achieving their sales targets. They graciously help you part from your hard-earned money by pushing ill-fitting and ugly items. According to them, everything fits "beauuuuutifully" even if you are trying on a kaftan.
If you enjoy sycophancy and are not insulted these sales assistants don't deem you intelligent enough to see through it, wake up. They don't like you...you're just a giant dollar sign to them. Why don't you buy some self-esteem?
Has Money But No Idea How to Spend ItThey can sense you have disposable income but from their narrow perceptions, you aren't spending it in the right areas (ie you are investing in your mortgage rather than fashions that don't last longer than the time it takes to read a "what's hot / what's not" column in a glossy).
Their condescending attitude makes you want to scream "Hey, there's a good reason why YOU are the one BEHIND the sales desk begging for my money, so IIIII am the one you should be GROVELLING to, beaaatch. I'm not the one earning $5 an hour to forego food for the next decade so I can wear the store's clothes as a uniform."
You are Wasting My TimeAt best you will receive a brusque nod. Sales assistants will scurry to straighten up the merchandise, if you were to even look in its direction as though you may have telepathically reduced its value. I like to mess with their minds by re-arranging everything just to give them a bit more work. It's not at all malicious - I'm just stimulating the local economy by generating employment.
Some retailers are smart about providing a shopping experience that will bring customers back. I make it a rule to never buy from rude sales assistants, but I will spend time and money to go back to retailers that have been genuinely helpful and friendly.
A friend of mine had a bad experience with
Oxford where he was promised a pair of trousers would fit if the seams were let out a bit. The store assistant knowingly lied about this to make a sale (it was towards the end of the month), because it would have been obvious to him that there was not enough material to be let out. The store later tried to cover this up by sending a larger size to the tailor to be altered and demanding my friend pay for it, although these trousers did not fit. After much negotiation and quoting of the Trade Practices Act,
Oxford grdugingly agreed to a refund. Of course, my friend will never shop there again.
You
may tell other people about a good retailing experience sometimes but you will
definitely tell other people about a bad retailing experience. That oldie but a goodie: the customer is
always right.
Corporate treachery with song !
The Sound of Music is one of my favourite films. It has it all - comedy, tragedy, suspense, gorgeous scenery, a journey of self-discovery and a rousing music score...a guaranteed mood lifter.
However, watching it again for the hundredth time I realised that I had missed another important dimension of this film - organisational politics.
Recall the early scene in the abbey when the nuns are speculating about Maria's whereabouts, as she has once again missed mass. Nuns from the
She's An Angel and
She's a Demon factions lobby for Mother Superior's support on their viewpoints of the Maria bill.
Essentially, Maria is being ridiculed by the
She's a Demon camp because she refuses to conform. Her crime?
Scraping her knee,
climbing trees and
curling her hair. H'mm, can’t remember the bible mentioning these sins.
The most intriguing transgression is
singing in the abbey. I am curious to find out what the hell those nuns thought
they were doing.
Maria won't - or can't - conform. There is a crossroad looming: the abbey needs to weed out interns that don't fit the company culture. Given it is a Christian organisation, it would be bad PR to uncharitably turf out someone so enthusiastic to serve God. However, the bottom line is
Maria is not an asset to the abbey.
(Of course there is no logic in organisational culture – it’s all about perception. It does not matter that Maria may have the right stuff to be a nun – it matters more that she toes the line.)
What to do, what to do...
Solution: manage her out by giving her the dreaded Special Projects role (read: better start ringing the recruiters).
Maria is persuaded by Mother Superior that her secondment to seven children of a widowed cold naval caption is
God's Will. CEOs often think they are God and their word divine, but in this case, it is hard to argue.
So, problem averted. The abbey returns to its tranquil state of hymns and nuns looking disapprovingly at each other. Maria has a
Crystal Shop moment and finds her real passion isn't
kissing the floor in anticipation of committing a sin, but Captain Tightpants and seven step-children who can harmonise.
