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Recently I put aside my cynicism and participated in a focus group at work whose intention was to "understand the drivers of (excessive) workload".
There is currently a company re-structure in progress so the Committee of Pretending We Care thought it would look better to consult existing employees about potential areas of improvement. (OK, I lied about the putting aside my cynicism part.) Cleverly, they appointed an internal manager to facilitate the meeting and steer the conversation, thereby removing the chance of ugly truths emerging - be more likely if the facilitator were an external party we pay a million dollars and never see again.
I could have saved them the time and summed it up in three reasons:
(1) misallocation of resources
(2) poor planning and
(3) excessive reporting that disappears into an abyss.
The irony of the link between reason no 2 (poor planning) and giving fewer than 24 hours notice for a 90 minute meeting involving 20 people was lost on those trying to determine the Drivers of Workload. Or it was very clever. Scheduling a meeting at this short notice should knock out at least half of the participants - you can imagine the post-review excuses: "...But we gave EVERYONE the opportunity to give feedback."
Right now I am making an effort to play The Diligent and Passionate Employee role in a show with falling ratings so I went along to the meeting with my Serious Face. I have been to many of these bloodletting episodes before in this company and others, all with predictable results - soothing words of nothingness promising change that never happens. Whatever.
The facilitator of the meeting was someone who has been with the company for years and is hanging on until retirement and a gold plated watch. Not a bad guy but someone with enough nous to realise it's in his best interests not to rock any political boats. He appeared disappointed at the relatively high turnout of 9/20 people. Damn it, it wasn't going to be too large a number to make the forum unsuitable for feedback.
Once the floodgate of complaints about how the company conducted business and didn't reward its serfs began, the facilitator could only stand back and hope the stampede of disgruntlement didn't mess up his shiny shoes too much.
This led to some transparent attempts to cut off uncomfortable conversations by limiting the amount of paper available (only six sheets of paper for 90 minutes of whingeing...!) and deftly inserting comments such as "Well we really need to wrap it up now....(conspicuous glancing at the watch)...only 25 more minutes to go".
The question was posed at the end of the session as to where this feedback was going. Or had this been an exercise to take down names of people who complained too much and exuded a negative attitude?
The long-winded and unintelligible answer was two fold:
(1) The feedback would undergo a treatment similar to sewerage - filtered, treated and then being forwarded to the Big Rubbish Bin in the Sky - Human Resources. (Read: the comments are going straight to the recycling bin.)
(2) There is already another (shadowy) committee reviewing this and if any of the comments fit in with their worldview and budget of what needs to change, then the comments will be used. (Read: we already have one we baked earlier, thanks.)
Well, that's 90 minutes of my life I will never get back.
Can't Find a Thing To Buy....
The fashion direction for the spring season appears to be maternity wear.
Pigs have been flying - fashion designers have finally recognised that the reason why clothes retail sales is falling off because their designs are ugly and unwearable for people over the age of 14. Fashion designers seem to finally understand that Australian women are getting bigger and bigger each year.
The average Australian woman is now a size 12-14. Despite the growing obesity trend, low rise jeans reared their ugly visage nearly 10 years ago and haven't yet gone away. Possibly due to lack of availability of an alternative, everyone wore them, regardless of whether they were flattering. I used to love the tops of muffins until I saw teenagers with side saddles of fat waterfalling over the sides of their jeans.
So what was the answer? Seemed easy enough - design clothes that cover up the fact that over-eating that has over-taken AFL as the national sport. So let's put our hands together to welcome back the empire line.
The empire line syle was made famous during the Pride and Prejudice years and tapers the fabric to cup the chest and flare out underneath - perfect for C+ cuppers with a big tummy.
However, shopping this spring will be hard for anyone who doesn't feel the desire to wear a muu-muu.
Are there
any designers who will be brave enough to break the mould and design to flatter?
Have credit card, happy to spend but can't find a thing to buy.
Stop the Presses
You must see
An Inconvenient Truth.
Reserve your judgement and hold your cynicism about environmentalists who drive old cars with "SAVE THE PLANET" stickers, oblivious to the smoke belching out of the exhaust pipe.
This film began as a slideshow that
Al Gore has been shipping around the world for 30 years, reminiscent of the shadow puppet showmen of yore.
In the opening seconds, I am taken aback at how engaging and charismatic Gore is. This is the wooden man who lost the unloseable 2000 US Presidential election to the idiot son of a warmonger? How did this happen? (Vote rigging and an unsympathetic judiciary, I hear you cry.)
So before we get into the heavy stuff, I have a few questions:
- How could Gore NOT have won the 2000 US Presidential election?
- How different would the world be today if Gore had become President of the United States?
- Would September 11 have still happened?
- Would I have been able to board a plane to the US with more than just the shirt on my back?
- Would Gore still have invaded Iraq or retaliated to some degree to appease his constituents?
- Would the relations between Islam and the West have degenerated to the way it was during the Crusades?
- Is this movie part of the campaign to get him into the White House past Hillary?
- Was the Apple computer product placement gratuitous? (Maybe a bit, but I can overlook it if his Apple board salary helped fund this venture.)
- Why have I left the heating on at home while I am at the cinema?
- Am I a bad person for having turned on the dryer before I left the house?
- I think I left a kitchen light on. Shit.
There is no emotive sensationalism of which Michael Moore has been accused. The tone is measured, intelligent and rivetting. Fact after fact (supported by the scientific community) is shovelled into the foundation of the story and packed in tightly to create a compelling argument, so that even people who don't know what an atom is can understand. Of course, you can argue over whether you agree with the conclusion Gore reaches, but see the movie first before making comments, unlike the old silver spooner Ted Baillieu.
Over the years, there has been reasonable doubt cast on whether the global warming we are currently experiencing is cyclical or caused by humans in a trajectory that will render the earth unlivable. Whether or not you choose to believe the evidence presented by the film, surely it would not hurt to consume less.
I wonder how the rise of obesity may help control the population. Obesity is most rampant in the USA, which currently contributes 30% of the world's carbon waste. If it is indeed true that this generation of children will not outlive their parents, is this nature's way of limiting the damage?
I am not a greenie. I don't associate myself with the stereotype of hysterical people who would chain themselves to the opening of an envelope. I have been a life-long user of plastic bags. I use way too much water to get my dishes really clean - I believe in rinsing the bubbles off. My showers could wash 3 people. My house thermostat is 24 degrees nine months of the year. I drive a medium size car when I really should be driving a Prius. I shudder at the thought of drinking from a rainwater tank. I consume three PET bottles of water a day. My primary source of income is from marketing products people neither want nor should they be consuming.
Even I felt I really should do something about it, like paying Greenfleet to plant trees on my behalf to absorb my carbon emission sins.
Click here to look at the trailer.
BP (Before PowerPoint)
Does anyone remember life before the advent of PowerPoint?
Ahh, those were the days...
We wrote in sentences.
We did not need cute and largely irrelevant images from Gettyimages or flickr to hide the lack of content.
There were no cheesy sound effects or "ass-pirational" videos to bulk up a proposal. If it sucked, there was no Botox.
Hence, it's ironic that after years of refining written communication from when the Chinese carved messages on tortoiseshells in 8,600 BC to Gutenburg's modern printing press to where we are now - in an age when literacy is under threat.
We speak in acronyms and we text in shorthand. In the time it takes to decipher an abbreviated text message, it would have been faster to text it in full.
Are we heading back to pictographs?
In summary:
In Defence of Cynicism
Cynicism is perceived as a negative trait in large corporations. Why is that?
To be cynical is to be distrusting or disparaging the motives of others. Now, these days you would have to be a right gumpy not to be even slightly wary of the motives of large faceless corporations, who only worship at the altar of the Achieving the Bottom Line Next Quarter.
How are cynics a threat?
For a corporate to continue to run smoothly (ie flog the serfs to work unquestioningly and work harder with fewer resources in shorter periods of time - you guessed it: Bigger Better Faster) without inconvenient questions about ethics or long-term benefits, you do not want types who rock the boat. If you can sit quietly and just pull the oars in the general direction of docility, hop right in.
Every company has a nod to innovation in its long-winded and infrequently used mission statement. But not the sort of innovation that may make life uncomfortable or extinct for the incumbent ruling strata.
This is not dissimilar to the story of the child who realised the emperor was indeed naked, while everyone else more experienced and with more to lose were busy kowtowing or too afraid to point out the bleeding obvious. Hello, old naked man parading through the streets!
So what happens when employees have been hit with the cynicism stick?
They begin asking questions about why. Senior management become angry and defensive because they don't have a strong argument to disguise their ugly agendas. It's easier to vilify and alienate the people doing the questioning than to admit a weakness. Cynics are crticised for being "negative" when they are simply intending to inject a level of realism. No matter whether a corporation purports to encourage diversity, cynics are never on the door list.
Cynics out there - you're not alone. Give yourself a pat on the back for standing up to fascists. You know you can shrug off the charges of "undesirable element" because at least you won't be finding your own picture in the google search results for "deceived" and "puppet".
Otherfunk
Check out
Radio Otherfunk, very cool music and commentary in a delicious Glaswegian accent to make you think, even if you don't always agree.
Cheers Roger!
One night in September
AFL finishes in three more weeks for the year.
I can't wait!
How is it possible for one 80 minute game to be spun out over three days of pre-game analysis, commentary, endless commercial breaks, post-game breakdown, recount of the kicks / hand passes / broken shoulders / "accidental" shoulder bumps, not to mention Monday morning discussions at the water cooler, Monday lunchtime discussions over a sandwich.....
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRK.
I want my favourite AFL fan back. With his attention 100% on me, not the TV, not whether a coach's strategically too inflexible, whether a player is putting in 110%, the million permutations of how the ladder might look at the end of the weekend.....
This is why I am posting on a Friday night, just counting down the minutes until we can have a conversation involving eye contact with me.
My Father and I
Here's a film from China that makes you feel guilty for not being nicer to your father.
In
My Father and I, Xiao Yu is reunited with her father Lao Yu after the death of her mother. Dad is a bit of a scroundrel with a dubious source of income, but he enthusiastically takes on his parental duties after years of absence.
Xiao Yu is understandably suspicious and despite warnings from her aunt that her father is no good, a bond is slowly forged between father and daughter.
The story spans a decade or so of their relationship and follows them as they weave in and out of each other's lives.
I was surprised at how the parent-child dynamics were portrayed so differently to the idealised standard that Chinese children everywhere (regardless of where they call home) have drummed into them.
First-time director Xu Jinglei, who also wrote, directed and played a lead in the film, creates a work that makes you care for these flawed characters. The film was shot on a tight budget but the actors' natural performances and the touching story cut through. The father's enduring faith in and forgiveness of his daughter just hurts to watch.
This is highly recommended but be warned - films from Mainland China always have tragic outcomes. Still, very worthwhile - it lingers long after the final scenes.
Courtside
If John Howard were a tennis player, I would compare him to Arantxa Sanchez Vicario. Sanchez Vicario doesn't possess incredible tennis skills but her plain doggedness got her to Number One.
Similarly, John Howard isn't renowned for his charisma either, but after wearing down his opponents over a couple of decades, finally lifted a cup over his head. Both Howard and Vicario patiently waited in the shadows while John Hewson / Monica Seles was knifed in the back and then watched Steffi Graf / the leadership Dream Team of Peter Costello & Alexander Downer implode before swiftly sidling up to take control.
Howard and Sanchez Vicario are baseline players, slugging it out from the back of the court, safely playing the percentages and angles.
So where does this leave other political leaders?
I would liken Mark Latham to John McEnroe - both had flashes of brilliance but lost through their temperament. They are both serve-volleyers, willing to get up close to the net and take their chances.
Kim Beazley? An up-sized version of Anna Kournikova - they both thought they played the part but never won when it counted.
It's Time to Go.....Pluto
Oh the indignity of being demoted to a dwarf planet.
Isn't "dwarf" politically incorrect? How about the "little planet"or "dimensionally-challenged planet" of Pluto?
Was there a redundancy payout for future earnings lost as a member of our solar system?
Was it walked out of the office with only a small boxful of memories to commemorate its time as a bona fide planet?
Pluto just needs to pick itself up and look for new ground. It can be king again in another galaxy that isn't size-ist.
