The Big Whinge

Work / life balance

2007-06-17T15:18:00.000+10:00

I went for a job interview some months back where the feedback was I was technically very competent to do the job but...

Yes, the 'but'.

Apparently I asked too many questions about the o'l chestnut "work / life balance".

In my defence, I only asked one question. And that was in reference to why at 7pm the office car park of this cosmetics giant was half full.

I guess if they feel that defensive about it, they must have something to hide.

Why do companies still feel compelled to work their employees to the bone?

Haven't they heard about the impeding stampede of the rabid Generation Y brigade with their "want it all now, daddy" attitudes, non-existent employer loyalty and poor work ethic?

The change in demand versus supply of skilled labour should be making these organisations think more carefully about how to recruit and more importantly, retain, their staff.

I love:

4 day working weeks
Mental health days
Clocking in work days volunteering for charities (and not just tree-planting days that the Senior Executive managers were supposed to do but delegated to the lower serfs)
Training managers how to be coaches
Transparent succession planning (if they are only looking for males who chest-beat the loudest, then at least have the cojones to say so and stop wasting everyone else's time)

Changes in attracting and keeping talent will have to come. Why not start now and be seen as progressive? Word on the street passes quickly. Be The Place people clamour to work for.

I'm Back

2007-06-17T15:11:00.000+10:00

It's been a lazy 3 months of inactivity on this blog site but here I am.

I haven't had as much antagonism from the work front to serve as food for thought. Amazing the effect of having a normal manager. No second guessing, no mind games, no emotionally crippled freaks who should be paying for therapy instead of taking it out on their staff...

Is it so hard for people to treat others decently in a working environment?

God knows what they must be like at home when there is even less of an incentive to conform to the norm. Whatever that is.

SMS Flirting

2007-03-25T18:45:00.000+10:00

As a purveyor of late night television, I have noticed a steady rise in commercials offering the opportunity via SMS to flirt with nubile young women lounging around on the beach / a red sports card / a king size bed in impossibly tiny bikinis.

Now, call me a cynic but I have a sneaking suspicion the ads are slightly misrepresentative.

Is there a breach of section 52 of the Trade Practices Act should the person at the end of the sms line not resemble a gorgeous young lass gagging for it and is in fact a middle-aged portly man?

Has anyone contacted Graeme Samuels about this oversight?

Ready answers

2007-03-13T19:28:00.000+11:00

Why is it that I can think of a dozen really articulate and succinct answers to job interview questions only 10 minutes after the interview has finished?

Writer's Block

2007-03-07T20:46:00.000+11:00

I have not posted for weeks.

I have run out of juice.

I blame this on my boss and a restructure.

Why my boss? He's actually a decent guy, very intelligent, very straightfoward and treats me like an adult. Who would have thought it would take 9 years and 10 managers in FMCG to finally come across someone who understands how to manage people?

Why a restructure? My employer recently reshuffled the organisational structure and made a ferry load of people involuntarily redundant. Some really great people were left without a job and some nasty pieces of work were flushed away. And it's been so much better since the arseholes left. I don't really miss those cancers at all.

So...only a Little Whinge in this post.

...And Now I Pronounce You

2007-01-23T22:28:00.000+11:00

I went to a wedding last weekend of an old friend. My friend had originally planned for an elopement but had changed her mind to a small and intimate wedding. I think I would have gone with her first instinct.

There is something very naked about weddings. I feel like I am intruding watching two people make vows of lifelong commitment to each other.

Beyond the bonbonnières and the particular shade of colour the dinner napkins must match, marriages are a serious business.

What if you screw up? I'd rather not have every family member and friend witness promises I made and later could not keep. What must they be thinking everytime I borrow a book and "promise" to return it in the same condition as before?

Elopement is an attractive alternative. No politics, no arguing over whether an obscure relative whose relationship to you is slightly unclear must be invited, no stress of organising an event that requires a Gant chart to track down every flower and manicure.

Or is this approach a cop-out- avoiding a public statement of love and commitment just in case you can't hold your end of the bargain later on?

I've Been Tagged

2007-01-09T23:07:00.000+11:00

One of my favourite bloggers Ben Rowe just has tagged me. The latest craze in the bloggersphere is being tagged: "once you are tagged, you need to mention 5 things about yourself that others don’t know. Then you need to tag 5 other people."

Well, you all know I like to have a little vent every now and again. Let's see....what else wouldn't you know:

1) I read Enid Blyton for relaxation. Even if she can be a gypsy-hating, racist, sexist and repetitive writer, there is something so soothing about her version of a 1940s childhood in England. There are fairies in the garden, a tree with different lands arriving every week and outdoor adventures galore. There are plenty of descriptions of food - tomatoes and raspberries from the garden, Toffee Shocks, Google Buns, Pop biscuits, blancmange, trifle, potted meat sandwiches, boiled eggs with a twist of salt, sardine and pineapple sandwiches, cucumber sandwiches, kippers, ginger pop, caraway seed buns, bread and butter pudding...mm. Throughout my childhood I had developed a very fixed idea in my mind of how delicious these things would taste. Imagine my shock when I arrived in England and discovered good food is not appreciated in the English culture. It's treated merely as fuel between invading and looting other countries.

2) I wanted to be a native title lawyer once upon a time. Until I discovered how much time I would need to spend in the outback. And how much I hated property law. Unfortunately Mabo will have to roll on without me.

3) I also wanted to work for ASIO after I graduated. I got past the first round of multiple choice questions pretty easily - the usual maths, language and spacial judgement questions - but fell over in the second round. We were asked to write an assessment of which country was Australia's biggest threat. I dimly remember singling out Indonesia for its proximate, large and politically restless population. Not sure if I would have passed even if I had been able to name Jemaah Islamiyah or al-Quaeda in my essay back then. Would I be in Guantanamo Bay now with David Hicks if I had?

4) I loved The Latham Diaries. I found Mark Latham's candour and refusal to play the game endearing. Come on, the guy's hilarious! Unfortunately my faith in the Australian political system diminished somewhat after Latham finished exposing all the shonkiness of the factions, the focus on the short-term and tit-for-tat even with your own party colleagues. And wasn't Latham right about Kym Beazley (of the 1,000 mile gaze) and Kevin Rudd (Media Tart). Poor Julia Gillard will just have to grit her teeth and think of England while she divides up the bed with her strange bedfellow.

5) Five people I would invite to a dinner party:

Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Serenity) - what a genius of plot, characterisation and his plaything that is the English language

Paul Keating (Prime Minister of Austalia 1991-1996) - the wickedest wit of Canberra

JK Rowling (Harry Potter) - Maybe she'll bring a copy of The Deathly Hallows...

Craig Reucassel (The Chaser, CNNNN) - He's funny.

Li Cunxin (Mao's Last Dancer) - Even I got homesick for his family when I read his book.

Here are some other bloggers I like:

1) Stuck for ideas on where to eat? Try Patrick Pincon.

2) Check out Christine's Happy Slip mini films

Holiday Blues

2007-01-04T23:39:00.000+11:00

The down I am experiencing post-holiday is awful.

So awful it almost makes me contemplate never taking another holiday again because the after-effects are too traumatic to go through again.

I love the beginning of a holiday when the days stretch on forever in front of you, endless possibilities of time monopolised by no one but your own wants. When you feel the stress slide out of your body so you morph into Gumby. No heels, no hairspray, no mask of civility required.

The first day of the holiday is the best and always seems to be the longest. There is the thrilling feeling of "this can last forever!" until inevitably, the days begin to speed up to the point when you are afraid to blink in case you find it is nightfall already. You find your fingers trying to grasp onto moments, which taunt you by slipping away with no trace.

Then, back at work, I found myself stealing minutes to sit with my eyes closed and to try recreate in my mind the sights, the smells and the feelings from my holiday. It's easier in the first couple of days after the holiday but as time goes, these memories begin to fade.

It's time to book another one.

Don't Kill My New Garden

2007-01-04T21:33:00.000+11:00

Stage 3 water restrictions have just come into force in Victoria, Australia. This has been in response to climate change suddenly solidifying as a reality.

Restrictions have been placed on watering lawns and gardens. But doesn't this same vegetation absorb the carbon dioxide we have become so proficient at producing?

Shouldn't we be encouraging the planting of more trees and flora to reduce the carbon dioxide levels?

Old Qantas Boilers

2007-01-02T11:13:00.000+11:00

Qantas sucks.

Why? The vibe I get from them is along the lines of "How dare you ask me for a glass of water! I am from Toooo-rak and I am only working here because my husband is in jail for embezzling his company but I must keep Una and St John in their private schools".

Other airlines serious about customer service such as Singapore Airlines and Emirates understand that keeping customers happy is important because these same customers pay their wages. Real international airlines have staff that speak languages other than just English - something Qantas rarely offers.

Be nice to your customers. If you're not, they tend to write angry blogs and turn off other potential passengers. Passengers...you know, your meal ticket.

Cutting to the Chase

2007-01-02T01:47:00.000+11:00

In recent times it feels as though far too many dud films have been released. I was on a couple of international flights recently, which offered movies at your fingertips to watch at your own pace. Yes - even with rewind and fast forward functions.

I discovered I could catch up on a year's worth of new releases painlessly. There were a few films offered in the personal entertainment screens that I had been mildly curious about on their release in Australian cinemas. They were also ones I suspected would be disappointing (the bigger the advertising budget the more they have to hide) so I never bothered to see them.

So by simply zipping to the last 15 minutes of each film, I could find out whether I had missed out or I had rescued 90 minutes of my life.

I was pleased to say I hadn't wasted $14 and time in a darkened room with:

Lady in the Water - water-logged

My Super Ex-Girlfriend - what a let down after all the ass-kicking Uma performed in the two Kill Bill films.

Scoop - Scarlett Johansson should stick at her extraordinary skills in smouldering rather than comedy. Woody Allen should stick at being behind the camera. The memories of Soon-Yi are still too raw to overcome the nausea of seeing him salivate over Johannson on screen.

The Lake House - Speed on Prozac - good news though is Keanu Reeves has aged well.
My Bollywood Bride - Smith from Sex And The City goes to India...yawn.

A Prairie Home Companion - perennial hams Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin elbow Lindsay Lohan off the screen - although in her inebriated and drug-fucked state, it probably wasn't too hard. That much ham should be be banned on an Emirates flight.

The Break Up - confirming Rachel Green is as annoying on the big screen as the small. Jennifer Aniston should try milking the "Angelina and Brad did me wrong" line more to further her career rather than appearing on the big screen.

On a more positive note, Little Miss Sunshine passed the time rather pleasantly. The scene where one of the main characters performs her beauty contest routine is the funniest I have seen on celluloid all year.

To the Ghosts of Friendships Past

2006-12-17T14:46:00.000+11:00

I find myself writing Christmas cards to people with whom I no longer have actual conversations with anymore. In some cases, they are people I have not spoken to for many years.

Is this Christmas card writing exercise a pointless exercise in reflecting on old glories of friendships and wasting trees?

I admit I enjoy receiving cards from people with whom I once shared a lot in common. It is a shared remembrance of fragments from our life we don't want to let go. Even if there is less relevance for it now or if you no longer have enough in common to keep it going on a daily basis, I can't bear the finality of severing ties.

So Christmas cards to the ghosts of friendships past, while they seem pointless to many, still serve a purpose.

Finally...Plumbers That Delight Their Customers

2006-12-01T17:27:00.000+11:00

Seth Godin has filled much space in his books, podcasts and blogs about Purple Cows. Something so Remarkable you cannot help but notice it and want to pass it onto everyone else you know.

I think I came across a Purple Cow today.

After overhearing my decidedly negative view on plumbers and their weasly ways, a colleague recommended I try The Tap Doctor. She promised they would not charge for merely turning up, were transparent about costs BEFORE doing any work and didn't rip people off.

Could it be? Trustworthy plumbers?

I had a shower tap leakage problem so I called in The Tap Doctor. The receptionist was very friendly, helpful and called me back just when she said she would.

The plumber turned up on time (in fact, a little early) after calling to confirm he was on his way. There was a polite knock on the door and when I opened it, found the plumber taking off his boots. Amazing, someone who understands their customers don't want the rest of the outside on their clean floors. The plumber didn't attempt to come in until he had explained who he was and why he was there and after I invited him inside.

Angelo (the plumber) then quickly assessed the tap leakage situation, confirmed the cost of repair and then explained what he was going to do to fix it, without any condescending "sweetie"or "thingamijig" pronouncements.

Angelo cleaned up after his repairs and promptly sorted out the paperwork. Why can't all tradespeople be as professional and as much of a pleasure to deal with?

The tradesperson stereotype of being late, charging for an appearance and fiddling around until the full hour to ensure they are paid the maximum does their peers a disservice.

Thanks Angelo, my faith in plumbers have been restored (until next time).

Kiss This

2006-11-16T20:00:00.000+11:00

What happened to the good old handshake between work colleagues?

Air kissing has displaced this once significant gesture. Oh no, now you have to put up with having someone's saliva deposited on you.

I'm not paid enough to have to pucker up or affect a close relationship with someone I am bound only by circumstance to work with.

Advertising agencies are the worst culprits.

Why do they do it?

Firstly: air kissing is so dramatic, dahling.

Secondly: No longer able to justify their fat margins as the effectiveness of traditional television commercials falls, they are working harder than ever to keep their clients without having to spend any money. Gone are the days of agency-client lunches. Gone is the cocaine. Nowadays suits have to work harder than ever to placate the impossible demands of clients and the surliness of precious creatives. So what's the solution? Pretend to be best friends with your clients. Get up close and personal, then slug them with the "head hours" invoice which charges them for your active listening face.

Thirdly: They are spitting on their clients, albeit at quite close range.

I like my personal space. I like this 1 metre radius to be respected. May have to practise farting at will to protect it.

I love Veronica Mars

2006-11-13T22:58:00.000+11:00

Veronica Mars has disrupted my life for the last two weeeks, hence no blogging.

I began a couple of blog entries, but abandoned them due to the siren call of Season 2 of this addictive television series.

Channel 10 in Australia had launched it last summer and rudely stopped airing it halfway through Season 1, to my despair. So I bought Season 2 and have only just finished watching it. The plots dominated my thoughts while I was at work and I would sneak in a few minutes during breakfast or watch until 4 am before chunting off to work, bleary-eyed.

So who is Veronica Mars?

Ms Mars (Kristen Bell) is a teenager struggling through the challenge of surviving an American high school (Are they really this bad in real life? Is this why high school shootings are more common in the USA?), as a social pariah. Veronica was once the darling of the rich student set (09'ers) until she was dumped by her wealthy boyfriend after his sister (her best friend) was mysteriously murdered. The TV series begins in her junior year of high school when she has been alienated by the "in" crowd. Assisted by new best friend Wallace Fennel (Percy Daggs III), Veronica sets out to solve her friend's murder.

The stories are intelligently crafted and wittily scripted. The teenagers speak in lingo beyond their years but not in the pretentiously laboured Dawsons Creek style of hyberbole. The pace is snappy - no dozing allowed!

There are similarities between Veronica Mars and my other favourite female heroine Buffy. Both are smart, brave, intensely curious and unable to keep out of trouble. Both have me stumped how they manage to have good marks and yet are do not appear to spend any time doing any school work. (Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy, even makes a guest appearance on this show in the "Rat Saw God" episode of Season 2.)

Free-to-air television has so few offerings that make you follow a programme from week to week regardless of which ridiculous timeslot the broadcaster has chosen. Veronica Mars is one of those television shows which stays in your mind for a long time after the credits end.

Motherfucker of a Launch

2006-10-27T20:51:00.000+10:00

Coca Cola isn't satisfied with its last mauling trying to break into energy drinks in the Australian beverage market.

Here's the rollcall of the Ghosts of Launches Past: Lift Plus, Sprite Recharge, Burn, Vault...

So, introducing...another desperate attempt from Coca Cola to put its snout in the trough with established players Red Bull and V.

For a company with the revenue size of Coca Cola, you'd think they could hire some decent marketers.

But was it the fault of the marketers? Or was there a bit more than meets the eye?

Let's take a look at the Mother packaging. The graphics resemble a heavy metal tattoo - it screams 14 year old, slightly depressed and alienated boys with greasy hair, sprayed-on acid wash jeans, croming in the backshed.

But if you look more closely at the text on the can of Mother, there is a contrastingly hippie message. Mother promises to harness "a combination of nature's most potent energy boosters to give you a big, long lasting high". Sounds like something you'd find in a health food store.

Mother's ingredient list promises Açaí and guarana extract from the Amazon, as well as ginseng. Can't quite imagine this at a rave.

Did the marketers have a dual target strategy? Were they hedging their bets on two distinct consumer trends: energy and health? Is this brand nurturing or hard-ass?

Surely marketers have too much ego to want this stinker on their resume.

Smells like Senior Management wanting to have a bet each way to meet their Innovation targets, in having yet another shot at the energy drinks market. Appears they have missed the point entirely.

To successfully launch a brand or a product these days, you need to be single-minded about what you are offering your consumers.

Three reasons Mother will fail:

1. Energy is already dominated by Red Bull and V.

2. Mother's positioning is schizophrenic.

And just in case you missed the most important point:

3. Energy is already dominated by Red Bull and V. Coca Cola are at best, third to market.

Behind the Scenes of a Price Rise

2006-10-27T20:26:00.000+10:00

Here is the usual order of events:

A commodity moves up astronomically in price, consumer trends change, competition stiffens, a gap to profit target appears.

Easy solution: just raise the list prices to reflect the gap. Don’t worry about whether your brand equity can stretch that far. Don’t worry about what your competitors are doing, when you have brands that are very price sensitive and little brand loyalty.

Senior Management confidently sign off the list price rise, minds already planning where how to spend the bonus.

Then…pain from all sides when consumers refuse to come on the journey.

Then…panic. "But I’ve already told the wife she can book in for the breast job, the face lift and the new butt..."

Trade spend goes into over-drive cutting the shelf prices back to where they were before. Then angry scenes when the trade spend is over-spent and Sales come after Marketers like hungry wolves to swipe advertising spend to balance their own books.

Fingers pointed…"Marketing aren’t accountable enough for their brands”…"Sales don’t know how to manage their budget”…"Finance aren’t making these numbers look good enough”…."Why aren’t R&D providing more innovation?”…"There are too overheads in this business”, etc etc ad nauseum.

Anyone who has ever worked in FMCG has seen this before.

It’s the same tired script everywhere I go.

Exits

2006-10-27T19:47:00.000+10:00

It's been interesting observing the behaviour of senior management when they have been told they are going to be made redundant, but no one else officially knows yet.

There are some who are devastated by being made redundant (a nicer word for sacking without legal tangles) and who will have to be escorted out of the building kicking and screaming, with a forlorn box of their self esteem.

There some who cheerfully negotiate a major payout so they can move on to the Bahamas or open up that little Subway they've always dreamed of.

Then there are others who have keep a stiff upper lip and pretend it was all part of their Grand Plan. But there are always tell-tale signs: laughing a bit too loudly, feigning interest in work they no longer have to worry about, schmoozing to the end. Everyone can see through it, just smell that whiff of desperation.

When the time comes for you, how will you go?

Waiting for the Executioner's Axe

2006-10-21T14:53:00.000+10:00

Is it better to be made redundant with no idea it was coming?

Or is it better to tell employees there is a restructure coming in 8 weeks and allow the rumours and scaremongering to grow unchecked in the interim?

Kind of like choosing whether you would prefer to die slowly of a terminal illness with plenty of time to tidy up loose ends and say goodbye to significant others

or

be unexpectedly run over crossing the road (hopefully with the good pants on).

Addicted to Purging

2006-10-19T19:25:00.000+10:00

Not that sort of purging. I have no relationship issues with food.

What I am referring to is my newly discovered love of decluttering.

I've had 10 addresses in the past 9 years so I have been carting around the same boxes from place to place. I finally opened the last of the boxes and am now officially unpacked (2 years after moving into my current residence).

It feels good.

Everything has a place in the house.

6 wheelie bins' worth of books, clothes, household items and jewellery have been ruthlessly either thrown out or given away to goodwill shops.

Is it weird I find this relaxing? I can now find things more easily. It's less of a chore to clean and outbreaks of cobwebs have been minimised.

I feel lighter for having less "stuff".

I Need a Fix of Alias

2006-10-15T21:52:00.000+10:00

I love Alias and I have been impatiently waiting to see the fifth and final season of this cult favourite spy drama.

The last episode of season four (which had been disappointingly vanilla) ended with a gut ripping revelation that one of the key characters was in fact the captain of the English cricket team and then there was the car accident. The car accident stunt was filmed so effectively I felt like I had been rammed from the side from what I had thought was the relative safety of my sofa.

So I have been holding for my breath for the past 12 months, resisting all temptations to look on the internet as to how the series ends. 12 months is a long time, I am afraid.

Free-to-air networks, be warned. Wonder why you're losing share of mind to other distractions like the internet, gaming, DVDs and pay TV? Customisation is a trend they ignore at their peril.

This means I watch what I want to watch (ie free of ads whose accelerated sound volume threatens to burst my ear drums with every ad break) when I want to watch it.

I hear an unsubstantiated rumour the fifth season of Alias will not be shown until next year - after the DVD is released. I'll be voting with my feet and will not be waiting for free-to-air to find out what happens next.

When Managers Go Bad

2006-10-04T20:13:00.000+10:00

I am up to my thirteenth manager in nine years of full-time employment and I have seen moments of greatness and longer periods of stultifying awfulness where it appeared critical chapters in "How Not To Manage People" appeared to have been missed.

High points? Being rewarded appropriately. To make up for covering extra work, I negotiated four return interstate trips from one manager when she could not influence additional pay but certainly knew her way around tweaking a travel budget.

Low points? Oh where to start....

1. This really happened at a recent torturous marketing conference of Enforced Fun. After a transparently insincere speech from our Marketing Director about the importance of teamwork, we were forced to participate in a "fun" team building activity (loosely based on Amazing Race). This game ended with a bicycle race. The Marketing Director was last seen pushing a fellow team member off a bicycle because he could cycle faster. The look of of unadulterated fury on the Marketing Director's face when he realised his "team" had lost? Priceless? Well no, but maybe a worth a beer or two.

2. Employee Y was given a gift voucher to a weekend retreat. Given her company's policy on gratuities, she did the right thing and declared it. She was initially told she could keep it, only to find out in a meeting that the Marketing Manager was raffling it off. Was it just a coincidence that the winner of the raffle was the sole person in the Marketing Manager's team who did subjected herself to being of her butt of jokes?

3. Due to travel budget cuts, Employee Z was forced to catch a Jetstar flight instead of Qantas for an important work meeting. Any savings were obliterated as the return taxi fare to the airport cost more than the Qantas flight would have.

Feel free to add your horror stories.

Prada Devil More Convenient

2006-10-01T23:21:00.000+10:00

I saw The Devil Wears Prada yesterday - not a bad film, not a great film. Appealing candy floss, quite palatable but dissolves once you try recalling the details of the plot.

What disappointed me the most was the attendance.

I went to see both The Devil Wears Prada and An Inconvenient Truth on their respective opening weekends at the same session time in the same cinema. There were 12 people in the audience for An Inconvenient Truth. In contrast, the cinema for The Devil Wears Prada was packed - about 100 people.

Either not enough people have heard about An Inconvenient Truth or have been turned off by the sombre message to see it.

Good to see we have our priorities straight. Couture looks fabulous underwater.

Leave a voicemail or email us your feedback...

2006-09-24T18:26:00.000+10:00

Recently I put aside my cynicism and participated in a focus group at work whose intention was to "understand the drivers of (excessive) workload".

There is currently a company re-structure in progress so the Committee of Pretending We Care thought it would look better to consult existing employees about potential areas of improvement. (OK, I lied about the putting aside my cynicism part.) Cleverly, they appointed an internal manager to facilitate the meeting and steer the conversation, thereby removing the chance of ugly truths emerging - be more likely if the facilitator were an external party we pay a million dollars and never see again.

I could have saved them the time and summed it up in three reasons:
(1) misallocation of resources
(2) poor planning and
(3) excessive reporting that disappears into an abyss.

The irony of the link between reason no 2 (poor planning) and giving fewer than 24 hours notice for a 90 minute meeting involving 20 people was lost on those trying to determine the Drivers of Workload. Or it was very clever. Scheduling a meeting at this short notice should knock out at least half of the participants - you can imagine the post-review excuses: "...But we gave EVERYONE the opportunity to give feedback."

Right now I am making an effort to play The Diligent and Passionate Employee role in a show with falling ratings so I went along to the meeting with my Serious Face. I have been to many of these bloodletting episodes before in this company and others, all with predictable results - soothing words of nothingness promising change that never happens. Whatever.

The facilitator of the meeting was someone who has been with the company for years and is hanging on until retirement and a gold plated watch. Not a bad guy but someone with enough nous to realise it's in his best interests not to rock any political boats. He appeared disappointed at the relatively high turnout of 9/20 people. Damn it, it wasn't going to be too large a number to make the forum unsuitable for feedback.

Once the floodgate of complaints about how the company conducted business and didn't reward its serfs began, the facilitator could only stand back and hope the stampede of disgruntlement didn't mess up his shiny shoes too much.

This led to some transparent attempts to cut off uncomfortable conversations by limiting the amount of paper available (only six sheets of paper for 90 minutes of whingeing...!) and deftly inserting comments such as "Well we really need to wrap it up now....(conspicuous glancing at the watch)...only 25 more minutes to go".

The question was posed at the end of the session as to where this feedback was going. Or had this been an exercise to take down names of people who complained too much and exuded a negative attitude?

The long-winded and unintelligible answer was two fold:
(1) The feedback would undergo a treatment similar to sewerage - filtered, treated and then being forwarded to the Big Rubbish Bin in the Sky - Human Resources. (Read: the comments are going straight to the recycling bin.)
(2) There is already another (shadowy) committee reviewing this and if any of the comments fit in with their worldview and budget of what needs to change, then the comments will be used. (Read: we already have one we baked earlier, thanks.)

Well, that's 90 minutes of my life I will never get back.

Can't Find a Thing To Buy....

2006-09-24T17:58:00.000+10:00

The fashion direction for the spring season appears to be maternity wear.

Pigs have been flying - fashion designers have finally recognised that the reason why clothes retail sales is falling off because their designs are ugly and unwearable for people over the age of 14. Fashion designers seem to finally understand that Australian women are getting bigger and bigger each year.

The average Australian woman is now a size 12-14. Despite the growing obesity trend, low rise jeans reared their ugly visage nearly 10 years ago and haven't yet gone away. Possibly due to lack of availability of an alternative, everyone wore them, regardless of whether they were flattering. I used to love the tops of muffins until I saw teenagers with side saddles of fat waterfalling over the sides of their jeans.

So what was the answer? Seemed easy enough - design clothes that cover up the fact that over-eating that has over-taken AFL as the national sport. So let's put our hands together to welcome back the empire line.

The empire line syle was made famous during the Pride and Prejudice years and tapers the fabric to cup the chest and flare out underneath - perfect for C+ cuppers with a big tummy.

However, shopping this spring will be hard for anyone who doesn't feel the desire to wear a muu-muu.

Are there any designers who will be brave enough to break the mould and design to flatter?

Have credit card, happy to spend but can't find a thing to buy.

Stop the Presses

2006-09-18T06:43:00.000+10:00

You must see An Inconvenient Truth.

Reserve your judgement and hold your cynicism about environmentalists who drive old cars with "SAVE THE PLANET" stickers, oblivious to the smoke belching out of the exhaust pipe.

This film began as a slideshow that Al Gore has been shipping around the world for 30 years, reminiscent of the shadow puppet showmen of yore.

In the opening seconds, I am taken aback at how engaging and charismatic Gore is. This is the wooden man who lost the unloseable 2000 US Presidential election to the idiot son of a warmonger? How did this happen? (Vote rigging and an unsympathetic judiciary, I hear you cry.)

So before we get into the heavy stuff, I have a few questions:

How could Gore NOT have won the 2000 US Presidential election?
How different would the world be today if Gore had become President of the United States?
Would September 11 have still happened?
Would I have been able to board a plane to the US with more than just the shirt on my back?
Would Gore still have invaded Iraq or retaliated to some degree to appease his constituents?
Would the relations between Islam and the West have degenerated to the way it was during the Crusades?
Is this movie part of the campaign to get him into the White House past Hillary?
Was the Apple computer product placement gratuitous? (Maybe a bit, but I can overlook it if his Apple board salary helped fund this venture.)
Why have I left the heating on at home while I am at the cinema?
Am I a bad person for having turned on the dryer before I left the house?
I think I left a kitchen light on. Shit.

There is no emotive sensationalism of which Michael Moore has been accused. The tone is measured, intelligent and rivetting. Fact after fact (supported by the scientific community) is shovelled into the foundation of the story and packed in tightly to create a compelling argument, so that even people who don't know what an atom is can understand. Of course, you can argue over whether you agree with the conclusion Gore reaches, but see the movie first before making comments, unlike the old silver spooner Ted Baillieu.

Over the years, there has been reasonable doubt cast on whether the global warming we are currently experiencing is cyclical or caused by humans in a trajectory that will render the earth unlivable. Whether or not you choose to believe the evidence presented by the film, surely it would not hurt to consume less.

I wonder how the rise of obesity may help control the population. Obesity is most rampant in the USA, which currently contributes 30% of the world's carbon waste. If it is indeed true that this generation of children will not outlive their parents, is this nature's way of limiting the damage?

I am not a greenie. I don't associate myself with the stereotype of hysterical people who would chain themselves to the opening of an envelope. I have been a life-long user of plastic bags. I use way too much water to get my dishes really clean - I believe in rinsing the bubbles off. My showers could wash 3 people. My house thermostat is 24 degrees nine months of the year. I drive a medium size car when I really should be driving a Prius. I shudder at the thought of drinking from a rainwater tank. I consume three PET bottles of water a day. My primary source of income is from marketing products people neither want nor should they be consuming.

Even I felt I really should do something about it, like paying Greenfleet to plant trees on my behalf to absorb my carbon emission sins.

Click here to look at the trailer.

BP (Before PowerPoint)

2006-09-14T22:33:00.000+10:00

Does anyone remember life before the advent of PowerPoint?

Ahh, those were the days...

We wrote in sentences.

We did not need cute and largely irrelevant images from Gettyimages or flickr to hide the lack of content.

There were no cheesy sound effects or "ass-pirational" videos to bulk up a proposal. If it sucked, there was no Botox.

Hence, it's ironic that after years of refining written communication from when the Chinese carved messages on tortoiseshells in 8,600 BC to Gutenburg's modern printing press to where we are now - in an age when literacy is under threat.

We speak in acronyms and we text in shorthand. In the time it takes to decipher an abbreviated text message, it would have been faster to text it in full.

Are we heading back to pictographs?

In summary:

In Defence of Cynicism

2006-09-09T08:07:00.000+10:00

Cynicism is perceived as a negative trait in large corporations. Why is that?

To be cynical is to be distrusting or disparaging the motives of others. Now, these days you would have to be a right gumpy not to be even slightly wary of the motives of large faceless corporations, who only worship at the altar of the Achieving the Bottom Line Next Quarter.

How are cynics a threat?

For a corporate to continue to run smoothly (ie flog the serfs to work unquestioningly and work harder with fewer resources in shorter periods of time - you guessed it: Bigger Better Faster) without inconvenient questions about ethics or long-term benefits, you do not want types who rock the boat. If you can sit quietly and just pull the oars in the general direction of docility, hop right in.

Every company has a nod to innovation in its long-winded and infrequently used mission statement. But not the sort of innovation that may make life uncomfortable or extinct for the incumbent ruling strata.

This is not dissimilar to the story of the child who realised the emperor was indeed naked, while everyone else more experienced and with more to lose were busy kowtowing or too afraid to point out the bleeding obvious. Hello, old naked man parading through the streets!

So what happens when employees have been hit with the cynicism stick?

They begin asking questions about why. Senior management become angry and defensive because they don't have a strong argument to disguise their ugly agendas. It's easier to vilify and alienate the people doing the questioning than to admit a weakness. Cynics are crticised for being "negative" when they are simply intending to inject a level of realism. No matter whether a corporation purports to encourage diversity, cynics are never on the door list.

Cynics out there - you're not alone. Give yourself a pat on the back for standing up to fascists. You know you can shrug off the charges of "undesirable element" because at least you won't be finding your own picture in the google search results for "deceived" and "puppet".

Otherfunk

2006-09-08T22:22:00.000+10:00

Check out Radio Otherfunk, very cool music and commentary in a delicious Glaswegian accent to make you think, even if you don't always agree.

Cheers Roger!

One night in September

2006-09-08T22:03:00.000+10:00

AFL finishes in three more weeks for the year.

I can't wait!

How is it possible for one 80 minute game to be spun out over three days of pre-game analysis, commentary, endless commercial breaks, post-game breakdown, recount of the kicks / hand passes / broken shoulders / "accidental" shoulder bumps, not to mention Monday morning discussions at the water cooler, Monday lunchtime discussions over a sandwich.....

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRK.

I want my favourite AFL fan back. With his attention 100% on me, not the TV, not whether a coach's strategically too inflexible, whether a player is putting in 110%, the million permutations of how the ladder might look at the end of the weekend.....

This is why I am posting on a Friday night, just counting down the minutes until we can have a conversation involving eye contact with me.

My Father and I

2006-09-04T21:51:00.000+10:00

Here's a film from China that makes you feel guilty for not being nicer to your father.

In My Father and I, Xiao Yu is reunited with her father Lao Yu after the death of her mother. Dad is a bit of a scroundrel with a dubious source of income, but he enthusiastically takes on his parental duties after years of absence.

Xiao Yu is understandably suspicious and despite warnings from her aunt that her father is no good, a bond is slowly forged between father and daughter.

The story spans a decade or so of their relationship and follows them as they weave in and out of each other's lives.

I was surprised at how the parent-child dynamics were portrayed so differently to the idealised standard that Chinese children everywhere (regardless of where they call home) have drummed into them.

First-time director Xu Jinglei, who also wrote, directed and played a lead in the film, creates a work that makes you care for these flawed characters. The film was shot on a tight budget but the actors' natural performances and the touching story cut through. The father's enduring faith in and forgiveness of his daughter just hurts to watch.

This is highly recommended but be warned - films from Mainland China always have tragic outcomes. Still, very worthwhile - it lingers long after the final scenes.

Courtside

2006-09-02T15:55:00.000+10:00

If John Howard were a tennis player, I would compare him to Arantxa Sanchez Vicario. Sanchez Vicario doesn't possess incredible tennis skills but her plain doggedness got her to Number One.

Similarly, John Howard isn't renowned for his charisma either, but after wearing down his opponents over a couple of decades, finally lifted a cup over his head. Both Howard and Vicario patiently waited in the shadows while John Hewson / Monica Seles was knifed in the back and then watched Steffi Graf / the leadership Dream Team of Peter Costello & Alexander Downer implode before swiftly sidling up to take control.

Howard and Sanchez Vicario are baseline players, slugging it out from the back of the court, safely playing the percentages and angles.

So where does this leave other political leaders?

I would liken Mark Latham to John McEnroe - both had flashes of brilliance but lost through their temperament. They are both serve-volleyers, willing to get up close to the net and take their chances.

Kim Beazley? An up-sized version of Anna Kournikova - they both thought they played the part but never won when it counted.

It's Time to Go.....Pluto

2006-09-02T15:30:00.000+10:00

Oh the indignity of being demoted to a dwarf planet.

Isn't "dwarf" politically incorrect? How about the "little planet"or "dimensionally-challenged planet" of Pluto?

Was there a redundancy payout for future earnings lost as a member of our solar system?

Was it walked out of the office with only a small boxful of memories to commemorate its time as a bona fide planet?

Pluto just needs to pick itself up and look for new ground. It can be king again in another galaxy that isn't size-ist.

10 Reasons to Live Alone

2006-08-30T21:54:00.000+10:00

1. There is no fighting over the warm side of the bed if someone forgot to switch on their half of the electric blanket.

2. You are never home late.

3. You can walk around naked and scratch yourself all day without fear of recrimination.

4. This goes for farting as well.

5. Ditto wearing the tracksuit pants that may blow right off you if you wore them outside on a breezy day.

6. No rationale is required to explain why you are watching The Sound of Music again for the 53rd time and worse, still striving to hit the high note in Climb Every Mountain. You know who you are.

7. Never have to sit through any kind of sport on television or listen to an angry fan's lifetime of disappointment at their team channelled into one game.

8. There is no such thing as ugly or uncool dancing.

9. You can eat the condensed milk straight out of the tube without disapproving faces at how fat you are going to get. (Fat handbags are not pretty.) and ...

10. ....The toilet never smells.

It's Life But Not As We Know It

2006-08-30T21:18:00.000+10:00

Having often obsessed about how to derive an income from watching Spooks, Scrubs and Buffy, I kneel down to Dyjoymi Baker.

Ms Baker has just completed a PhD in the mythologies of Star Trek...and watched every epsiode from the original 1960s Star Trek to Star Trek: Enterprise. No mean feat considering she clocked in 700 hours of couchtime to achieve this.

Any ideas on employment opportunities for people who can recite The Sound of Music word for word? And no jokes about "oh Maria what is it you can't face?" please. Oh the sacrilege.

An Exciting Opportunity Awaits You....

2006-08-27T20:41:00.000+10:00

Have you noticed how some job ads omit to mention the employer?

Why don't they just cut out to the chase and disclose who they are?

It's not dissimilar to when real estate agents leave out important details like the asking price for property. The pyschology of "oh well I have driven all the way over here so I may as well buy it even though it's double my budget" doesn't fly.

It makes me suspicious when companies shy away from disclosing who they are - is their reputation so bad it would put off people even phoning to enquire about the role? And hiding their identity would cause people to change their mind later?

Just be honest about who you are...people will work out at some point if you are a tobacco giant, are located in the middle of nowhere or pay below market rates.

Thank You For Smoking

2006-08-22T22:40:00.000+10:00

Despise Big Tobacco?

Detest corporate bullshit and spin?

You may just switch sides once you see Thank You For Smoking. In a year littered with dross such as Pirates of the Caribbean II, this is the best film I have seen so far.

The much-maligned art of spin is a craft...a rare skill to be admired. Aaron Eckhart (Possession) plays Nick Naylor, a Big Tobacco lobbyist. Naylor is charged with putting out the flames of bad publicity for his Big Tobacco employer. This ranges from stopping a bill that mandates anti-smoking messages on cigarette packets to silencing a Big Tobacco plaintiff.

Eckhart's Naylor charms the pants off the audience in his quest to thwart the do-gooders by masterfully turning their arguments against themselves. His posse of peers in dispensing spin are wittily played by Maria Bello and David Koechner who represent the MOD squad - the Merchants of Death. William H Macy, Sam Elliot, Adam Brody (yes the twerp from The OC is surprisingly palatable) and Rob Lowe (has someone been to the plastic surgeon?) round off a talented cast who deliver a delicious glimpse at the PR underbelly.

Except for Katie Holmes...well no wonder she struck the deal with Tom Cruise to have this child. Dawson's Creek may well have been her peak.

Alarmed But Not Really Alert

2006-08-19T17:22:00.000+10:00

Although globally we are on alert for terrorist activity to the point of paranoia, airports still have a way to go in improving security.

Check out The Chaser (best Australian comedy around) flaunting the gaps.

If you have nothing nice to say...

2006-08-16T21:16:00.000+10:00

What do you write in a farewell card for someone you dislike?

(By dislike, I mean that if this person were on fire, I would very likely walk the other way. Now if I actually hated this person, I would sit down and watch.)

My mother says "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

I may just have to leave this card blank.

FBB to BBF

2006-08-15T22:42:00.000+10:00

Memo fresh from Corporate Land...

"Fewer Bigger Better" has lost its mojo.

Fewer has been replaced. Now it's all about Bigger Better Faster.

Righto. Is this because they weren't grinding the employees hard enough before?

Translation: "We'll just throw more things into the market without thinking them through and hope they stick because developing a vision and strategy is too hard."

Something about a monkey and a typewriter....?

Yawn

2006-08-15T22:39:00.000+10:00

Dear Buchanan Group,

Re: Zoot Review, Medifacts and Brandpower

The horse has been flogged into the ground. Bored already.

Selling out?

2006-08-15T19:56:00.000+10:00

Why do I feel uneasy when I see Australian of the Year Fiona Wood plugging Nurofen on Zoot Review?

Why do I feel like she has sold out?

On the face of it, it makes sense. Fiona Wood is by far a more credible source of medical information that Andrew Daddo and Karina Brown plugging Panadol for children.

Fiona Wood also enjoys a car sponsorship which caused a few waves when announced.

I don't flinch when I hear of sportspeople or C list celebrities endorsing unrelated products (who hasn't cringed on hearing Ian "Phully Sick" Thorpe flogging cereal?)

Fiona Wood has worked hard and why shouldn't she also partake in the sponsorship banquet like less deserving souls (surviving two rounds of Big Brother is not exactly contributing to world peace or saving lives).

We put our medical workforce on a pedestal and expect them to not gain commercially from their hard work. (Just hark back to the drama every time Medicare puts up its consultation charges - dear me, the medical profession should be doing this for free after (minimum) 10 years' study, you can hear the masses thinking.)

If only we had as much reverence for scholarship as for accurately kicking a leather ball between two sticks.

Thank you to the US of A

2006-08-13T21:58:00.000+10:00

The United States of America has been the leading light of civilisation in the twentieth century. However the sheen is starting to come off the American Dream through factors not limited to:

attacks from enemy groups who cannot be silenced by dropping a couple of hydrogen bombs
a string of military failures (surely by now they are running out of money and places to invade)
insular, hypocritical and short-sighted foreign policy ("we have guns" doesn't really cut it anymore)
folks back at home eating themselves to death
Middle America losing their jobs to overseas slaves (ironic considering they used to import them to build their wealth).

As we farewell American global dominance into the sunset, I have prepared an obituary for this once grand and over-reaching empire. So to which gifts can we offer thanks to the United States of America?

1. Shortening our life spans

From Coca Cola to Oreo, Big Macs to Krispy Kreme - these have produced a generation of children who are not well acquainted with fruit and vegetables. The answer is not Weight Watchers, food combining or some funky exercise machine advertised at 2 am. There is no trick - just stop putting so much in your mouth and move more.

Could people be over-eating because they are malnourished? They over-consume kilojoule-dense, nutrition-free foods but keep on eating because their bodies are crying out for nutrients.

2. Re-igniting religious crusades

Who would have thought in the age when we can communicate with anyone from just about anywhere in the world that religious wars would still be continuing? We have the means to communicate but are too fearful of differences to do this. Why is it anyone else's business who you worship?

It would be refreshingly honest if Condoleeza Rice would just admit the USA is simply protecting its business interests in the oil-rich areas. Forget the installing democracy bullshit - that isn't fooling anyone. Who inducted them as the World Police?

There is plenty to be fixed in their own backyard before meddling in other people's -see the thin veneer of civility crumble during Hurricane Katrina.

3. Corporate wank

In this age of self-promotion ruling over substance, no wonder the traditional blue-chip companies are starting to falter. Endless rounds of management consultants with theories more fantastic than the last cannot hide the fact that over-paid and under-delivering fat cat CEOs will one day soon have to account for their massive salaries.

The serfs are starting to revolt ... they aren't seeing the fruits of loyalty to organisations who view them as "human resources". Alarm bells should have started ringing when the name Personnel was replaced by Human Resources.

Someone needs to point out that the world will not end if people consumed less this year than they did last year. It may just prolong our existence on this planet.

4. Reality TV shows

American Idol highlights how its populace can be riveted by deluded contestants' histrionics and over-wrought warbling. Why would anyone EVER agree to appear on Jerry Springer - you must know straightaway the news can't be good? Is Paris Hilton that vapid? (I am disturbed that I am even asking these questions.)

Contrived "reality" situations have intensified our navel gazing, whilst ignoring bigger issues such as the environment rebelling and spewing back our centuries of abuse, half the world living on less than two American dollars a day and why women do two-thirds of the world's work, receive 10 percent of the world's income and own 1 percent of the means of production.

5. Sweating the small stuff

It's a shrewd move to keep the electorate ignorant so they can keep feeding them propaganda about how it's the fault of other states they are under terrorist threat, instead of asking the hard questions of why the USA is vilified on the world stage. There was more outrage about Janet Jackson flashing a breast than about Iraqi civilians killed in the quest to smoke out Saddam Hussein and find non-existent weapons of mass destruction.

The American Religious Right is more concerned about stamping out homosexuality than practising the values of "Love thy neighbour". The rise of religious fundamentalism is not confined to the Middle East.

So thank YOU, the United States of America...it's been an interesting ride.

By the Nose of my Skin

2006-08-09T00:18:00.000+10:00

Had to snigger when I overheard a dame today exclaim over how an insult was "no skin off her teeth".

Very Kath & Kim-esque. And yes, she is a bogan with aspirations much higher.

Do the people Kath & Kim poke fun at realise they are the target? Do they see their idiosyncracies and affectations reflected? Or do they pity these "other" people?

Signed,

Comfortably Smug I Am Not of the Great Unwashed.

Retail Snobbery

2006-08-05T12:49:00.000+10:00

Why do shop assistants (usually female) in expensive stores think they are better people than their customers?

The premise of retailing is that a store has merchandise for sale. People come in and buy things - if they want it and usually if they are treated nicely. This treatment of prospective buyers is called "customer service", not "oh you are soooo privileged to be within these four walls".

We're all familiar with the quick sweeping glance as you enter these expensive stores where these women quickly assign you to one of three categories: Worth Fawning Over, Has Money But No Idea How to Spend It and You Are Wasting My Time.

Here are some experiences to look forward to depending on which category you fall into:

Worth Fawning Over

Note the endless gushing compliments and insincere attentions to your idiosyncrasies in vacuous hope you will assist them in achieving their sales targets. They graciously help you part from your hard-earned money by pushing ill-fitting and ugly items. According to them, everything fits "beauuuuutifully" even if you are trying on a kaftan.

If you enjoy sycophancy and are not insulted these sales assistants don't deem you intelligent enough to see through it, wake up. They don't like you...you're just a giant dollar sign to them. Why don't you buy some self-esteem?

Has Money But No Idea How to Spend It

They can sense you have disposable income but from their narrow perceptions, you aren't spending it in the right areas (ie you are investing in your mortgage rather than fashions that don't last longer than the time it takes to read a "what's hot / what's not" column in a glossy).

Their condescending attitude makes you want to scream "Hey, there's a good reason why YOU are the one BEHIND the sales desk begging for my money, so IIIII am the one you should be GROVELLING to, beaaatch. I'm not the one earning $5 an hour to forego food for the next decade so I can wear the store's clothes as a uniform."

You are Wasting My Time

At best you will receive a brusque nod. Sales assistants will scurry to straighten up the merchandise, if you were to even look in its direction as though you may have telepathically reduced its value. I like to mess with their minds by re-arranging everything just to give them a bit more work. It's not at all malicious - I'm just stimulating the local economy by generating employment.

Some retailers are smart about providing a shopping experience that will bring customers back. I make it a rule to never buy from rude sales assistants, but I will spend time and money to go back to retailers that have been genuinely helpful and friendly.

A friend of mine had a bad experience with Oxford where he was promised a pair of trousers would fit if the seams were let out a bit. The store assistant knowingly lied about this to make a sale (it was towards the end of the month), because it would have been obvious to him that there was not enough material to be let out. The store later tried to cover this up by sending a larger size to the tailor to be altered and demanding my friend pay for it, although these trousers did not fit. After much negotiation and quoting of the Trade Practices Act, Oxford grdugingly agreed to a refund. Of course, my friend will never shop there again.

You may tell other people about a good retailing experience sometimes but you will definitely tell other people about a bad retailing experience. That oldie but a goodie: the customer is always right.

Corporate treachery with song !

2006-08-02T21:06:00.000+10:00

The Sound of Music is one of my favourite films. It has it all - comedy, tragedy, suspense, gorgeous scenery, a journey of self-discovery and a rousing music score...a guaranteed mood lifter.

However, watching it again for the hundredth time I realised that I had missed another important dimension of this film - organisational politics.

Recall the early scene in the abbey when the nuns are speculating about Maria's whereabouts, as she has once again missed mass. Nuns from the She's An Angel and She's a Demon factions lobby for Mother Superior's support on their viewpoints of the Maria bill.

Essentially, Maria is being ridiculed by the She's a Demon camp because she refuses to conform. Her crime? Scraping her knee, climbing trees and curling her hair. H'mm, can’t remember the bible mentioning these sins.

The most intriguing transgression is singing in the abbey. I am curious to find out what the hell those nuns thought they were doing.

Maria won't - or can't - conform. There is a crossroad looming: the abbey needs to weed out interns that don't fit the company culture. Given it is a Christian organisation, it would be bad PR to uncharitably turf out someone so enthusiastic to serve God. However, the bottom line is Maria is not an asset to the abbey.

(Of course there is no logic in organisational culture – it’s all about perception. It does not matter that Maria may have the right stuff to be a nun – it matters more that she toes the line.)

What to do, what to do...

Solution: manage her out by giving her the dreaded Special Projects role (read: better start ringing the recruiters).

Maria is persuaded by Mother Superior that her secondment to seven children of a widowed cold naval caption is God's Will. CEOs often think they are God and their word divine, but in this case, it is hard to argue.

So, problem averted. The abbey returns to its tranquil state of hymns and nuns looking disapprovingly at each other. Maria has a Crystal Shop moment and finds her real passion isn't kissing the floor in anticipation of committing a sin, but Captain Tightpants and seven step-children who can harmonise.

Changing faces

2006-07-24T20:14:00.000+10:00

Plastic surgery - once the playground of the rich and saggy - is uncomfortably common these days. It's your face so you can do what you want to, to paraphrase a 60s song. If it makes you feel better about yourself so you don't have to address the real issues of what is making you unhappy, go ahead.

Great plastic surgery is the sort that people never notice. Kylie Minogue is an example of subtle surgery and Dannii is the after-photo plastic surgeons don't use.

The catch with plastic surgery is it's like home renovations. Once you renovate the kitchen, the living areas start looking a bit tired. You render the house and then the garden doesn't match. Well, cosmetic surgery isn't too different.

Get a brow lift but then the skin left behind gathers so much that your crows feet look like a pterodactyls have partied there. Botox the lips but next to your droopy jowls, they make you look like first cousin twice removed to Donald Duck.

Growing old gracefully may come back in fashion one day. Nursing homes with distorted 20 year old faces just don't look right.

YouTube-ing It Up

2006-07-22T09:12:00.000+10:00

Forget pay tv, definitely forget free-to-air...YouTube is the answer to in-home entertainment. It's a trash and treasure of mpgs in the internet age - whatever tricky stuff you're into, you'll find it on YouTube.

Anything from music videos from long ago (see New Kids On The Block and dodgy leather jacket dance moves in The Right Stuff), to airline crashes to movie trailers, it's all there.

You must see my current favourite - two Korean girls taking karaoke to new heights.

Brown-nosers have feelings too

2006-07-18T20:49:00.000+10:00

There's one in every office. It's an office held without thanks in every culture.

Nope, it ain't easy being a brown-noser. If you are really good, people won't even notice what you're doing. But most are unskilled in the art of seamless brown-nosing, so they are easy to spot.

But let's take a closer look at the sacrifices a brown-noser must make:

1. Everyone hates you. They may say it to your face or they may laugh at you behind your back, but be warned, your colleagues are not stupid. They recognise a suckass from the stench of your muzzle.

2. The exhausting surveillance for opportunities to ingratiate yourself - forcing yourself to watch sports you have never heard of so you can have a carefully planned corridor conversation about last weekend's game on Monday morning, laughing like a drain at wretchedly unfunny jokes and applauding abysmal decisions.

3. The loss of dignity - going to sleep every night knowing you have sold out for so long that you're not sure what your own values are anymore...unless you check how the wind is blowing first. It's hard to sit up straight when you don't have a spine, much less your own opinion. You crave and crave for your masters to bestow you a nickname - a sure sign of acceptance in The Golden Circle, of course - even "Serf" has a nice ring to it. Sounds summery.

4. The underlying fear that one day the people who champion you will no longer be around. Best get your paws on the bitumen quick-smart and sniff out which way your new master is beckoning.

So, not as easy as it looks, eh? While by no means condoning the career-making choices of brown-nosers, spare a bit of pity (or derision...they'll take it, they're not too proud) for those whose entire life is based on the relentless search for approval from Important People.

Ode to central heating

2006-07-17T21:10:00.000+10:00

There are many reasons to live in Melbourne but weather is not one of them. For someone whose idea of perfect weather is 80% humidity and 25 degrees, it can be a miserable experience in Melbourne when her winters appear to last 10 months of the year.

Central heating is a marvellous invention. By raising the house temperature to a figure greater than two score, all your troubles melt away.

Gone is cumbersome polarfleece jumper that makes you look a back-packer who has only two pairs of underwear (efficiently extracting maximum usage: front, back, inside and out).

Gone is the foetal hunch of one preserving every last ounce of heat.

Gone is the need to be within a 30 cm proximity of the foot heater, limiting movements from the sofa to only emergencies.

The freedom in wearing only a t-shirt and shorts in the middle of winter is not to be taken lightly.

...and I'll scratch yours

2006-07-15T17:32:00.000+10:00

Who doesn't love a back scratch?

To my great disappointment, I have never been able to find a back scratching service. There are plenty of places offering massage but nothing is quite as satisfying as fingernails on skin. (Self-service back scratchers just don't cut it.) For all you entrepeneurs out there, take note - this is a business idea that would fly!

There is nothing at all kinky about it. Back scratching is as legitimate as massage. (You'd want to make sure the Scratchor's fingernails were not harbouring any skin from the previous client but you'd run the same risk with a massage.)

The pressure is very important - not too hard. The Da Vinci Code "cilice" look is not in this season. Not enough pressure results in a feathery approach which is hard to enjoy if you are the ticklish sort. You want enough fingernail friction to cause a slight reddening of the flesh. This will go away in time and is no different to the result of a hot shower.

Back scratching is a craft so perfecting the stroke methodology is critical. Ideally, a back scratch starts with sweeping strokes of consistent pressure covering the entire back and then narrowing in on the itchier parts with some shorter, faster strokes.

If this is not a commercial transaction but a reciprocal service, attitude should not be over-looked as playing a part in the overall experience. Impatience and indifference from the Scratchor tends to reduce the enjoyment by the Scratchee. And don't cheat on the scratching time. The experienced Scatchees always notice.

The Three Second Advertisement

2006-07-14T19:56:00.000+10:00

If you have ever wandered into your local supermarket or convenience store, no doubt you will have been dazzled by the riot of colours enamating from packaged goods. If you listen hard enough you may hear the desperate pleas of "Pick me! Pick me!" as well.

Otherwise known as the three-second advertisement, packaging is important in sucking in consumers to try something they do not need nor did they know they wanted.

It may come as a surprise how much gnashing of teeth and employment is created by this packaging artwork. Now, I use the term packaging "artwork" loosely here. By the time layers of management have diluted and mutated the original intentions, it would be unfair to compare it to art.

Do consumers appreciate the attention to detail that has gone into agonising over the font type or whether a particular colour is masculine enough?

Every packaging artwork tells a story in the battle between the brand manager and his / her stakeholders.

The art of saying nothing at all

2006-07-11T21:13:00.000+10:00

I love the beginning of the Star Trek: Next Generation credits where you can hear the hum of the stars just before Patrick Stewart's dulcet tones reverberate across the universe.

This singing of the stars is my favourite representation of silence. After the incessant ringing of phones and the necessity to talk all day in order to earn a crust, silence is a welcome and comforting doona at the end of it all.

Silence is a thing of beauty and under-utilised. Like punctuation.

Defy the urge to always fill in the gaps in a conversation.

Have the curiosity to listen to what other people are saying. By listening, I do not mean "active listening" - that hideous 90s management tool to encourage employee communication, which only served to more effectively mask the fact no one was really listening to anyone.

Active listening champions peculiar behaviour such as excessive nodding, the criminal use of superlatives ("definitely" and "certainly" are choice gap fillers) and a plethora of "uh-uhs" to convince the other person you are listening. All this whirl of activity to hide the fact you are engrossed in formulating your own rebuttal without having listened to the argument.

Being silent and listening does not mean other people will believe you are stupid. (Well, actually some might, but they are not the sort of people you should be worrying about or associating with by choice.) It means you have the self-confidence in your own intelligence that you don't have to prove it to yourself and everyone else every 5 minutes.

Pants on fire

2006-07-11T21:10:00.000+10:00

I guess Howard's promise to hand over the reins after a term and a half was non-core, eh Pete?

Northern Lights

2006-07-09T14:44:00.000+10:00

I have been looking forward to the film adaptation of one of my favourite books, Northern Lights by Philip Pullman, and had been dismayed by rumours Dakota Fanning had been cast as Lyra Belacqua, one of the main characters.

It made about as much sense as casting Haley Joel Osment (Sixth Sense) as Harry Potter, as is rumoured to have been Steven Spielberg's recommendation, if he had won the gig to direct the films.

Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy (Northern Lights, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass) is a story of the corrupting power of organised religion, a complex tale that belies its appearance as a children's book. I could read these books over and over. If you are the sort of person who protested at the inclusion of Harry Potter in school libraries, here's another author to add to your book burning list.

Anyway the good news is Dakota Fanning is NOT going to play Lyra - it's another Dakota, Dakota Blue Richards. A real English girl, hopefully with Grit. Dakota Fanning's limited acting range of lip-trembling, pleading eyes and manufactured precociousness could never have brought Lyra to life.

Hollywood child stars are generally not convincing as children on screen - Macauley Culkin acts as a chilling reminder. Is it the American film industry environment that accelerates them through childhood? Or is it the cliche of a young child / old soul combination hasn't lost its appeal to the American movie heavyweights yet?

In either case, these artificially ripened children are about as appealing as the bright red but essentially flavour-free tomatoes at Woolworths. I had to grit my teeth to sit through all of War of the Worlds (resisting the temptation to put the DVD on fast forward with subtitles) and spent most of it hoping Dakota Fanning's character would be killed off. Pronto. Preferably in a way that matched the amount of pain watching the film brought me.

I Love the Smell of Bullshit in the Morning....

2006-07-08T18:45:00.000+10:00

Leon Gettler from The Age has a sharp blog on the smoke and mirrors that is Corporateworld - check out his latest entry:

http://blogs.theage.com.au/managementline/

Flagging crises to senior management via "bad news folders" is a novel concept. What does it say about the culture of an organisation where employees are afraid to speak up for the purpose of helping the organisation? Does it suggest too much time is spent wordsmithing and distorting reality to create an inaccurate (albeit rosier) picture?

In organisations where spin is encouraged to hide bad news and average results are ignored, who would be brave enough to put their name to bad news? Imagine the time wasted over who should put their name on the issue and carefully crafting the words to deflect blame.

"Tell them what they want to hear" should be drilled into every ambitious young graduate. You'll save yourself years of frustration if you submit to the rules early on.

Uterus Pants

2006-07-08T10:39:00.000+10:00

What ARE Uterus Pants, I hear you ask?

Definition

Noun plural: pleated (usu. polyester) trousers that fan around the wearer's hips to exaggerate its girth in an unflattering fashion (origin: A Evans, 2006). See left for example.

If you are over 40 years of age and wearing these, we forgive you. Time is marching on, after all, and you have more pressing things to worry about.

If you are under 40 years of age and still wearing these, well that's another story. A word of advice - you may want to consider flat fronted pants.

If you are under 40 years of age, wear these Uterus Pants and work in a profession where you are expected to have a clue about design and style, then stop labouring under the impression you have the right to tell other better dressed colleagues what great design and style is.

You have no style. And hence no voice in any matters of style.

Stop dumping on other people your unwanted baseless ideas on what great design is. Because you wouldn't know what great design was, even if it bit you in the face. (Although you may experience a slight tingling sensation by something you could never hope to identify in a line-up.)

Uterus pants are OUT, OUT, OUT.

And don't give them away to charity. Just because people have no money doesn't mean they want to look like a relic out of the Museum of Premature Ageing.

The First Commandment of Organisational Politics: Thou Shalt Judge A Book By Its Cover

2006-07-06T21:31:00.000+10:00

Remember when you were growing up and your parents taught you these little homilies:

It's what's inside that counts
Don't judge a book by its cover
The cream always rises to the top
Empty vessels make the most noise
Don't blow your own trumpet
Good things come to those who wait
The meek shall inherit the earth

Maybe your parents thought they were doing the right thing imparting these values. It will come as a shock if you join the corporate world to discover that hanging onto your modesty will hinder your career progression.

Sadly, career progression has nothing to do with how good you are at your job. It's all about whether people perceive you to be good at your job.

Sometimes, great work is recognised. Unfortunately, not that often. When it does happen, it plays an important role in not only rewarding the worker in question, but also sets an example for the rest of organisation to appreciate great work and to inspire more of it.

More often than not, it is all about perception. Instead of promoting a culture that encourages great work, organisations today overtly foster the culture of "perception is reality".

This has spawned a cartel of people who get by knowing very little and doing even less, but who are adept at obfuscation and inveiglement. These are the ones who are the Olympic champions of brown nosing and politicking for their own ends, rather than adding any true value. How do these people sleep at night? (Actually, I suspect they sleep very well, in their 300 threadcount sheets and possibly with a key stakeholder.)

So, the rules of engagement are that "perception is reality". Are we all too lazy these days to dig a bit deeper to understand each other? Isn't this how world wars are created? Are we missing out on the fantastic skills of a person just because he / she refused to conform?

Oh, that's right. Conformity.

Large organisations reward conformity. If you express views that are different and challenge the complacent, God forbid we may miss this year's target but lay the groundwork for growing the organisation in the decades to come.

We talk about Innovation with a capital I, but do leaders of organisations understand that innovation is rarely borne of rigidly structured roles, group think, systemic sycophancy and work practices that discourage seeing daylight? Simply employing the cliches of "thinking outside the square" (alert: if you are still using this phrase, you are IN THE FUCKING SQUARE, to quote Kel Richards from ABC NewsRadio...except Kel doesn't swear...on air) and "thinking big" does not an innovative culture make.

So how long can these organisations exist with a culture of rewarding the wrong people? Politics will always exist as long as there are human beings, but hasn't anyone realised that SOMEONE, at SOME POINT has to do the work?

To paraphrase S Sammartino,

"Large organisations are too sluggish to be true innovators...they are trading on
the diminishing goodwill of plastic cheese created decades ago."

Sickie

2006-07-05T13:36:00.000+10:00

I have taken the day off work today because I am not feeling well. Headache, throat issues and dizziness. I would be useless at work.

It's quite soothing to be on the couch when everyone else is hard at work. I wish I had installed Foxtel, though. Dr Phil + assorted freaks do not a great viewing experience maketh.

Why do I have this niggling feeling that I should be at work? That I am not really quite sick enough to be at home? I wonder what it would take for my subconscious to be satisfied that I am really unwell enough to be at home on a work day. Leprosy? Bubonic plague?

You're too hard on me.

Coaching from the couch

2006-07-02T20:17:00.000+10:00

Winter means many things in Melbourne - it's the time to bring out the woollen parts of your wardrobe, dial up the themostat, more cosy nights in. It also signifies the start of the Australian Football League competition.

The AFL competition originated in Victoria, who are the most obsessed about AFL (although South Australia would have to come a close second, given there isn't much happening regarding amusement in that state).

(As an aside, Victorians are very defensive about being beaten at their "own" game, as other states have being dominating the competition over the last few years. Victorian baiting is always fun - there's a low cost of entry. Just start with a few choice comments on how badly the Victorian sides are performing. It is as certain to get them riled as presenting a few key facts on how unfriendly Melbourne weather is. Victorians tend to have a bit of an inferiority complex about their city. Having to beat tourists over the head with their own self-generated claim that Melbourne is the most liveable city in the world is a sure sign of low self-esteem. I am not sure that Melburnians have noticed that Big Sister Sydney doesn't really care and considers herself in the league with Real Cities like New York and Paris. Melbourne - get over it. We love you for the shopping and the food, not the weather or cosmopolitan outlook. But that's OK.)

Anyway, I digress....

Winter means conversations at lunch no longer linger on cricket and home renovations....it's all about last weekend's match, how your team appears to be deliberately letting you down, speculating endlessly on who's in and who's out, whether so-and-so will be let off by the tribunal.

I can understand this level of interest. Really, I can.

But what will never fail to amaze me is the belief by passionate football fans that screaming at the television set during the match will somehow enable the players to hear the advice.

Is there something about television that I have missed? I did not realise it was a two-way communication device.

One day television may become so advanced that the players will have an opportunity to politely offer the disenfranchised spectators a chance to prove he/she can play better.

I'd like to see that!

Badvertising

2006-06-29T23:48:00.000+10:00

Many people in the media and advertising industry would have been in the "cool" cliques at school. The sad thing is these people have hung onto those glory days while everyone else around them matured. Most (but not all - I can think of two really clever ones) are not that intelligent and their work isn’t really that great. Yet somehow they still convince themselves they are better than the other 99% because they are in "advertising". Wankers.

Clikc here for the top 10 ads that won Cannes Film awards.

I like the French one. The Sony Colour execution smacks of self-indulgence. Advertising is not effective unless it motivates people to behave differently. Otherwise, it is just wallpaper. Does anyone ever measure whether these ads delivered to brief?

Why does Cannes still place so much prestige on TV ads when they are on their way out? (It wouldn't be the advertising industry interested in preserving the fat in their TV ad production costs, would it...oh noooo.) Who has the time or patience these days to sit through that?

I really must ring Optus and find out about Foxtel….TV without advertising, mmmm.

"Our Nic" and the Urban Cowboy

2006-06-29T23:15:00.000+10:00

I give them 2 years, tops.

Thief !

2006-06-26T23:52:00.000+10:00

Some cretin stole my black pashmina from my chair at work over the weekend. What a weird thing to steal. Are you absolutely sure I don't have any infectious and fatal neck diseases? Do you know exactly where this black pashmina scarf has been?

I hope you catch my incurable leprosy and your head falls off. It is a fair and reasonable punishment.

Gorging on a TV buffet

2006-06-25T11:48:00.000+10:00

I have just discovered the delights of Pay TV at my parents' place a couple of weeks ago. I was in serious danger of never leaving the couch again.

I pushed through the pain barrier to finish a marathon session of What Not To Wear, celebrity gossip on VH1 and the documentaries on the History channel in pyjamas with only curry puffs as sustenance over the Queen's Birthday long weekend.

Now I am debating whether to have Foxtel installed in my own home but fear I will never leave the house to go to work again. On the bright side, I will get my SBS reception back. It would be nice to be able to see Australia's progress during the World Cup rather than having to wait in suspense as the numbers tick over on the Yahoo web site.

Vietnamese noodles

2006-06-19T21:53:00.000+10:00

Nothing quite as heart-warming as a bowl of pho during these hideous winter months. I just had my fix.

My favourite place for pho is a little shop on Victoria Street, Richmond called Pho Dzung which specialises in rice soup noodles. The soup has been simmered for hours - something you could never do at home if you work long hours. The meat is fresh and the chillies just add a bite of surprise along with the basil and spring onion flavours. The rice noodles are cooked to slip down your throat without too much effort.

These guys don't have an extensive menu but what they do offer, they do extremely well and very efficiently. Oh and did I mention the price? $AUD6 for a small (very generous) bowl of noodles and the will to face the winter chill outside again.

Work stations suck

2006-06-18T16:11:00.000+10:00

Work stations are the way of working for many people, in this age of down sizing and cost cutting. The idea is to "break down silos"and "get people communicating". Well, hear it from me, a work station prisoner, that it can be a frustrating experience.

Most people I work with are relatively normal and considerate about personal space. But every now and again you get those outlyers (a polite term for "weirdo").

So, my gripe against work stations?

1. You can't hear yourself think.
2. You can't hear yourself talk.
3. Some people feel compelled to treat their fellow colleagues to glimpses of their personal life we never wanted to see. Trust me, hearing you baby talk your husband is not going to endear yourself to me. Having to listen to repeated conversations of last night's break up or arguments over who has to cook dinner tonight is likely to make me want to break a chair over your head. Or push you out the window. Whatever is easier. Damn those double glass windows.
4. No privacy. How else are you supposed to organise job interviews or organise your home renovation?
5. Being subjected to other people's odours. I had to endure a colleague's BO (which I can only describe as being fermented, rotting flesh) for 6 months and then because no manager would confront her about this and the furthest anyone would take it was to tell her to wear more perfume because they pretended to like it, I had to endure hourly sprays of cheap Impulse. Absolutely vomitous.

Bring back the offices. I may be forced to smile and talk to you because you are in my team but hell, don't make me interact with you any more than I am paid to do.

Mission: Possible

2006-06-06T22:15:00.000+10:00

Here is a collection of awful marketing conference themes I have attended over the years:

"Mission: Possible"
"You've Got The Power"
"Take Charge"
"Moving On Up"
"We are the Champions"

And of course these themes are matched to carefully selected, inspiring music. Cue Fatboy Slim and "Right Here Right Now".

These conferences are supposed to inspire a degree of loyalty to work your guts out 70 hours a week without complaint. Or flash enough of a carrot to make you want to stay until the next junket so you can clean out the minibar several nights in a row.

Instead, they make you ponder why you never looked deeper into the trades for a career. Less bullshit, more money.

Reading Between the Company Lines

2006-06-04T16:58:00.000+10:00

Why aren't Senior Management more honest about their real messages?

"Are YOU hungry enough?"
Translation: "I really need my bonus this year. I don't dare go home if I don't get her a new BMW5 4WD for Christmas."

"We need to increase productivity"
Translation: "We can replace you with someone from a country with no labour laws.

"Be more efficient with your time"
Translation: "Don't even think about claiming over-time....your reward is you get to keep your job.

"Do more with less"
Translation: "We've just cut your advertising budget and increased your sales target so there is no way you will meet your job objectives. You can kiss that skinny bonus goodbye."

Rah rah and all that tosh

2006-06-02T21:03:00.000+10:00

Does anyone take corporate videos seriously?

Everyone pretends to buy into this tosh. The work contract we all sign up to is that we play the game of pretending to believe in it, to be excited about selling more stuff that people don't need.

How motivating for employees are doctored corporate videos of fellow serfs cheerfully toiling away, quite content with their unpaid over-time?

The real winners in this game are the corporate video makers who are paid a motza to create Oscar-winning levels of fantasy even Peter Jackson could not match. Of course, there could be serious risk of Repetitive Strain Injury behind the camera for all the eye rolling that must go on.

Don't be disheartened if you can't bring yourself to genuflect at the altar of The Company Line.

There will come a day when you will have outlived your usefulness and will be tossed on the corporate scrapheap. Of course it won't happen to me, I hear you say. Of course it will. You can't please everyone all of the time so the day will come when someone will decide they don't like you, regardless of how well you are doing, and oooof! out you go.

Don't take it personally. Just have Plan B ready.

Da Vinci Code film misses the point

2006-05-28T22:07:00.000+10:00

Ron Howard missed an important point with his film adaptation of The Da Vinci Code.

One of the debates sparked by the book was the theory that women were originally intended to have roles of greater power within the Roman Catholic Church.

In the book, Sophie Neveu is more than the romantic interest. She is a cryptologist. She solves puzzles ! She coolly and calmly plans their escape from the Louvre ! Ms Neveu is an integral part of the action.

Yet in the film adaptation of The Da Vinci Code, she is reduced to being only a passenger, who is not smart enough to solve any of the puzzles. She breaks codes for a living, dammit ! Is there something sinister behind this departure from the book? Or was it a ploy to give Tom Hanks's ridiculous hairpiece more airplay?

It appears Mainstream Hollywood is having as much trouble as the Roman Catholic Church in finding a way to connect with women of the 21st century. How often do we see on celluloid stories about women who are intelligent and older than 25? Film marketing executives should take note about embracing this large demographic, beyond their usual cynical grabs for the short attentions of 18-24 American males.